


Seven Rules

by Urcutestnightmare



Series: Three little words [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Book 1, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Instability, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overthinking, Panic Attacks, Possibly Unrequited Love, Problems, Sad, Trauma, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urcutestnightmare/pseuds/Urcutestnightmare
Summary: It’s me, Clay.Or Dream as you probably know from YouTube.I’m pretty sure you identify me as a guy who plays Minecraft with his friends and captivates people with his cocky yet very funny personality. At least that’s what about 4.2 million human beings thought when they subscribed to my channel.But what if behind the videos everything’s different? What if I told you that after I press “end recording” I turn into a completely different person?
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Three little words [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979839
Comments: 86
Kudos: 577





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This fiction is only based on their online personas and the characters I based off of their traits and characteristics, not the real persons. Please do not shove this story into their faces in any way. If either of them states that they are not comfortable with such stories I will immediately take it down.  
> Other than that, enjoy!
> 
> Note: English isn't my first language and I don't have anyone beta reading it for me so please excuse any typos or grammatical mistakes.

It’s me, Clay.

Or Dream as you probably know from YouTube.

I’m pretty sure you identify me as a guy who plays Minecraft with his friends and captivates people with his cocky yet very funny personality. At least that’s what about 4.2 million human beings thought when they subscribed to my channel.

But what if behind the videos everything’s different? What if I told you that after I press “end recording” I turn into a completely different person? Well, even if I sometimes like to think that this is not the case, it definitely is.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a criminal that pays his rent by selling drugs or hacking other people. No, I’m just less of a happy persona and more of one that overthinks every single thing. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a couple of years and I’m very happy I decided to start with YouTube, since there I can be someone else. And, well, I think it worked pretty well considering my success.

I try to keep this fake facade up when I am on the Internet or in streams, but of course sometimes it slips and people become curious. Gladly, that hasn’t happened often and I would consider myself smart enough to keep it that way.

Being that perfect person, I’ve created, actually really has helped me with my mental state and just my general mood. Even if I can be that person for only a couple of hours a day, it often devolves onto my real persona and I find myself in a rather enjoyable mood.

In real life I don’t have many friends or even family, but that’s a story for another time, so I’m very happy my ‘fake’ persona made some pretty amazing friends. I’m of course mostly talking about George, “georgenotfound”, and Nick, “Sapnap”. They have helped me through many crises without even realizing it and I’m very grateful.

But there is always one problem, I just can’t seem to outsmart. 

The thing with meeting up.

Usually I’m just avoiding the subject at all and when it still comes up, I play it off without thinking too much about it.

Of course, I sometimes imagine how everything would be if I just were myself or if I told my friends about my struggles.

Yeah, but life isn’t how you want it to be, we all know that, and I guess I have to work everything out by myself in terms of that.

\--------------------------------- 

“Dude, I’m on half a heart, how does that skeleton do so much damage?!” George screeched into his microphone.

“Because we coded it so that mobs do double the damage, remember?” I reminded him with a short wheeze.

“Yeah I still don’t know why we did tha- FU-“

“I swear I just heard Bad yell ‘Language’ somewhere in the background” I laughed happily after I saw that George got killed by a spider.

“I’m actually contemplating to just give up”, George pouted into the microphone, “Let’s just scrap this whole idea and play Manhunt or something”.

“So I can beat you again?” I replied.

“Well obviously, so I can beat you”

“Sure thing, Georgie poo”

“Shut it!” 

That was the last sentence before him and I started falling into a gigantic pit of laughter where we sadly couldn’t get out anymore.

After calming down again, we decided to actually scrap the idea, for now at least (I just don’t like the idea of giving up at something), and record something else tomorrow. 

I was about to complain about how late it got and end the call, when George came up with a much-hated question.

“Hey Dream, just a question, why don’t I get to see your face? I mean I get it, you’re probably shy or something but I’d still remain friends even if you were a worm or, I don’t know, a faceless blob.”

My happy feelings immediately died and something else came creeping up inside my throat. Sure, I’ve dealt before with such questions, but this time it felt different. Maybe because it was the first time George mentioned it not during a stream, a video or just in discord chat or something. Maybe, but whatever it was, I wasn’t comfortable with the change of topic. Still, I managed to put my façade back on and replied with a dry “I don’t see any point in it”. 

Right after I replied I realized how weird and suddenly so different I sounded, not at all like my online self, more like my actual self. 

The guy on the other end of the call must have noticed too because he quickly came up with a “Sorry” and a “You don’t have to; I was just wondering”.

For the rest of the call I tried to keep my mind straight, but it kept wandering off to places where I didn’t want it to be, so at some point I fake yawned and declared that I really needed to go to bed. We quickly said our goodbyes and I shut down my PC and changed into my pyjamas.

Honestly, I wasn’t very tired so I just decided to scroll through my twitter timeline and reply to a tweet here and there.

While I was doing that, let’s maybe talk a bit more about my backstory and how I ended up in this mess that is my life.

For at least 17 or 18 years of my life I was a very normal and also happy person, although I always had my struggles because of my family situation.  
I didn’t grow up in the perfect household, my dad left us when I was very little and my mum kind of was overwhelmed with the whole situation so she abandoned us in a way by not showing us too much affection or caring too much about what happened in our lives.  
Oh, when I’m talking about ‘us’ or ‘our’ I mean me and my sister.  
So, I had a childhood with a lot of material things but a lack of love and affection.  
But I could always live with it, no real problems occurred. That was until my first ever girlfriend decided to cheat on me and I fell into a dark hole after the break up. Yes, a break up isn’t the end of the world, but it is when you’re already lacking love and then one of the few relationships you put your heart into just vanishes. It reminded me of the situation with my mum and in general my family. 

So, long story short, since then I’ve been overthinking everything, growing aware of who I was, how I acted and literally just anything. I started to turn every little aspect in and out and back in, probably as a defence mechanism to detect things or people before they could hurt me. That itself isn’t a bad thing of course, but if that wall grows too big, you end up in my situation.

So yeah, that’s pretty much me.

A guy who doesn’t only play Minecraft, but also fools half the Internet, suffers from mental health problems, has a weird family, no friends that know his real self, and a cat.

Named Patches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the first chapter of this story.  
> I really hope you enjoyed it! If you have any ideas for the future chapters please write a comment.  
> And I'm also still not sure if I should continue this fic so if you want it to, please leave a Kudos or write a comment :))  
> A quick feedback on the length of this chapter would be highly appreciate, too!


	2. Chapter 2

The next weeks went by quite uneventful, I recorded a couple of videos with the “dreamteam”, some of them even reaching up to 8 million views. Additionally, I tried to break the new speedrun record again, so I was pretty busy while the sun was in the sky and tired as the moon started to rise. My mind stayed put most of the times and I found myself enjoying freedom and alone time more than usual.

And, yes you might have guessed it, all that worked until George’s birthday approached and he decided to throw a party in his flat, inviting both Nick and myself.

Obviously, I couldn’t turn the invitation down since George is a really good friend of mine, if not the best, and any excuse I came up with sounded either very lame, unbelievable or so overdramatic that George would pack his things and fly over to Florida to comfort me.

Patches curled up in my lap and I gently stroked my hand over the soft fur. Oh, why was I born as a human? Being a cat would be so much easier: getting pet all day, food whenever you want it and the only real problem is to decide if sleeping on the couch or the bed is more comfortable.

Being motivated by Patches, I simply accepted and agreed in a text to fly over to London to celebrate George’s birthday. 

Of course, I regretted the decision moments after, but there was no going back now. And I wanted change, right? Get a hold of yourself, Clay.

Gladly there were still two months until I’d fly and maybe change my life, my relationships and basically everything forever, so I had all the time in the world to come up with a solution. The problem was obviously that I had no idea how to pull off this whole meeting thing.

After thinking about that exact solution way too long, I decided to settle on 5 plans which I’d cut down to one final solution in the next months. Oh, a backup plan should be included too. 

These are the ideas I finally came up with:

1: Just tell my friends what I’m struggling with and hoping they still want to be friends with my real self.  
2: Trying to keep up my online persona in the real world. Hard but maybe not impossible with a lot of preparation.  
3: Using one of my lame excuses to cancel the flight last minute.  
4: Tell them just partly about my situation, probably coming up with a compromise.  
5: Not preparing anything, just hoping I’m going to survive everything without dying of embarrassment or something similar beforehand.

Well, there was also solution 6: Completely break off all contact, cancel the friendships and then grieving about everything. But secretly I wanted to overcome my problems and this trip would most likely push me in the right direction, so solution 6 could be dropped.

Same goes for 3, I didn’t want to mess up the relationship and my excuses were all so bad, hence this would be the only logical outcome.

Solution 1 and 2 were both risky in their own ways: worst case scenarios for 1: they wouldn’t accept me and George would let me sleep in a hotel and avoid me or something, 2: my façade slips (not so unlikely, it’s already hard enough online to not let it happen) and worst case scenario 1 happens. The only difference being that there’d be a slight chance they accept me and my mental state improves.

(To be honest, whatever I’m going to choose, I’ll probably cling to that hope the whole trip)

So, 4 and 5 left. Not easy but since I like structuring my whole life, I went for 4 mainly because mathematically the chances of succeeding were higher than with 5.

And if everything decided to backfire completely, I settled onto solution 1 as a backup plan, being the only one to make sense, even though it would break my heart to use it.

And oh boy, little did I know how tremendously wrong everything was going to go.

\-------------------------

With a rough plan in my mind I started off the next week with mixed feelings. I was of course very hyped to see George and Nick for the first time, I was even mor excited for their reactions when they’d see me – they have never before, not even in a picture. On the other hand, I was scared my plan would fail and the broken pieces I’ve scrambled together over the past years would fall apart again. I really love both of my (only) friends with my whole heart, even though my brain completely disagrees considering the past events, so I didn’t want to mess anything up.

I sat at my desk, scribbling some notes onto a blank sheet of paper. After endless minutes I finally came up with seven rules I swore not to break in order to keep everything in place.

1: Answer questions about my past very roughly, don’t go into detail! If I can, just avoid such questions.  
2: Always sprinkle cockiness, sarcasm, usual jokes and maybe even pickup lines into the conversation to hide my true self.  
3: Don’t show my true feelings or my real mental state, under no circumstances!  
4: No getting drunk or drugged! I don’t trust my mind under these circumstances.  
5: Don’t spend too much time alone to prevent your thoughts from wandering off! Go to bed late to avoid not being able to fall asleep.  
6: Don’t get attached too much, relationships can and will break eventually.  
7: No doing any activities or scenarios that remind me of my past, including: shouting, any type of violence and theme or action parks!

(Explanation for rule 7: I hate theme parks, once my Mum went with us to one but then suddenly left and I panicked because what do you do as a 7-year-old when your mother disappears?)

By following all these rules, I hopefully could fool my friends for the three weeks I was going to stay with them. By following these rules, I should be able to remain friends and change little about the current situation.

Because that’s what I wanted.

Or was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear in the next chapter there'll be more plot, promise. Thanks btw for all the Kudos and the nice words! <3 I think my posting schedule for this will be one chapter every 4 days btw :)


	3. Chapter 3

The time flew by faster than usual and no matter how I hard I tried I couldn’t make it go by slower. I still felt bubbling anxiety in me whenever I thought of our first meetup. And it didn’t help either that by now my brain had come up with every so little thing that could possibly go wrong.

But I tried to mentally prepare myself, even though it became even harder to keep my façade on since my mind wandered pretty much all day.

I’d really like to explain the feeling, but it’s pretty hard. It’s like you’re in a cart on a road that ends in a pit of lava and even though you keep hitting the brake, the cart doesn’t slow down and you know you’ll eventually crash. Sure, I had my water bucket and everything could go exactly right but the risk of falling is always there.

My only solution was to try to stick to my usual routine to be distracted. So, I woke up, ate, went some shopping here and there, played Minecraft, recorded videos, edited them, chatted with George and Nick and went to bed. Boring? Nah, essential for me.

One week passed, then two, three and four and suddenly there I was, standing in my room shooting concerned glances at my not-yet-packed suitcase.

Literally, I had no idea what to wear during those weeks. How is the weather in London anyway? In Florida it’s quite hot and not very cold in winters, but that’s for sure not the case on the other side of the ocean.

In the end I decided to take some T-shirts but also some hoodies, some shorts and some long pants with me. Surely George had somewhere to wash clothes, so that shouldn’t be the biggest problem.

For the day of the flight, I decided to wear a blue smiley hoodie (so George would recognize me) and just some basic black pants. And even though I found it a little childish, I grabbed a white paper plate, attached a rubber band, drew a smiley onto it and poked two holes into it.

This wouldn’t only surprise George, but I also had some time I could give my mind to catch up with everything without anyone noticing it.

I thought about doing the same thing with Nick, but since he came two days later, I scrapped the idea.

The day before the flight I quickly exchanged some texts with Nick and George in our group chat and went to bed early:

_G: I’m super hyped for tomorrow!! Can’t wait ommmmg_

_S: Don’t throw the party before I arrive pls_

_D: Dw, I’m rlly excited as well xDD_

_G: I swear if you dyed your hair black or something and I go home with some random blonde guy I’ll kill you, dream_

_S: He’s probably gonna wear a mask hahaha_

_D: God guys, George if you don’t recognize me, you’re by far completely blind!_

_G: Whatever, loser :D_

\------------------------

The flight felt like an eternity, but only like a second at the same time. I was crammed up in my way-to-small seat with some guy next to me that oddly smelled like smoke and alcohol. Not the best flight in my life for sure, but I didn’t want George to pay extra for Business Class.

The plane landed but my panic levels rose back into the sky. How could meeting a best friend in person be so devastating?

I pushed myself through the cue to where I could grab my luggage. In the meantime, my phone chirped every few seconds, probably George asking where I was, how I looked, when I’d come or if I already landed. Finally, my green suitcase popped into my sight and I grabbed it before anyone else could. Yes, I already read stories where people switched their suitcases by accident and I really didn’t want to wear bras the next three weeks.

Right in front of the exit I sighed and quickly put on my paper mask. This earned some confused looks but my mind didn’t care at all luckily.

I stepped my foot through the door and repeatedly turned my head to all sides trying to find George.

My nerves were on edge, my mind and thoughts followed right after. I swear, a panic attack really wouldn’t play into my cards, so I slowed down my breathing and slowly walked a bit around.

In movies everything always seemed so easy: the two people were, for whatever odd reason, practically the only two at the airport or they just immediately found each other. I quickly checked the board. Yes, I was in London, yes, I was at the gate I texted George.

Right at that moment I heard a “Dreeeeeeaaaam” echoing right next to my head. I shot around and came face to face with, you guessed it, George.

And I swear it was awkward the first couple seconds: George just stared at me flustered and I pressed a quick “Hi” out of my throat that sounded way higher than my usual voice.

Well what do you do if you meet George for the first time? The fan fictions, him and I sometimes read, always said we’d hug each other, so that’s what I did.

I pulled George into a warm embrace and right there and then I actually acknowledged how short he really was.

After we pulled apart and I was sure I had collected myself, I quickly lifted my mask and revealed my face to the smaller man.

While a slight blush spread across my cheeks, George looked at me and started smiling brightly.

Slightly flustered, I asked what’s wrong.

He replied: “Well, I sure always dreamed of meeting you in real but right now it just feels so unreal. Oh and of course I also always tried to imagine what you look like, but you definitely exceed my expectations.”

To that last sentence he added a little wink.

Here it was, George’s flirty side. I always got to see it, but he somehow never wanted to show it in videos, let alone saying the three simple yet famous words.

With a smirk that I got used to using whenever George said such things, I started an easy conversation about the flight and just about everything.

After a quick conversation and me explaining how awful the flight was, we walked to the Uber George had ordered since he didn’t have a driving license.

So, first part ticked off, nothing went wrong and George seems pretty happy. I consider myself that too, because no matter how mentally unstable I am, nothing is better than seeing your best friend in real for the first time.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop - they met :O Tysm again for all the Hits and the Kudos! I'm so hyped about writing the next chapters, so stay tuned how the story will continue :)


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing I noticed when walking into George’s apartment was how untidy it was. It kind of bothered me, because I hated messes. They resembled my life. It was something I developed at the same time as the overthinking. Everything had to be at its place, it gave me control I needed, because I was lacking it in my life.

I didn’t mention it though, my mind already confused at how dark it was, while in Florida it was midday and the sun would probably be shining.

The older man quickly showed me around and then led me into the guest room. His apartment was small, but just the right size for someone living alone. I unpacked my suitcase soon after, changed into my pyjamas and went into the bathroom with George to brush our teethes, since it was already really late.

On the way back to my room I bumped into Cat. She didn’t seem to be bothered though, quite the opposite, she wiggled around my legs and started purring. I leaned down and petted her softly. I think her and Patches would become quick friends, both being very cuddly.

That night, sleep couldn’t find its way into my body. I laid awake for a couple of hours, my mind jumping from one thing to another. Off to a great start, thank you mind, I thought.

Did I make a good impression? What does George think of my look? Did I wear appropriate clothing? Were my reactions weird? Did I show any strange behaviours that put him off? – these were just a couple of things that were wandering through my mind. Sure, he said _I exceeded his expectations,_ but I still somehow tried to find some complains in that sentence.

Yes, that was also surely why my heart leaped every time I thought of that phrase.

Because I was unsure about Georges first impression of myself.

That was it.

With that in mind, I found my way into an uneasy sleep.

\---------------------------

Surprisingly I didn’t wake up until I heard a subtle knock on the door. Seconds later a brown-haired man peeked his head into the room with an infectious smile on his lips.

“Hey dude, I know I probably shouldn’t wake you because of jet lag and everything but I thought about taking you out for lunch today and it’s already 1pm” he said, the soft smile not leaving his face.

“Oh, uhm, sure, just give me a minute to get me dressed and stuff”

“Take your time, idiot” George hummed while leaving the room.

_Idiot?_ Was that just a stupid nickname or was there actually some kind of meaning behind it?

I slowly scrambled out of bed, stretching and immediately remembering how much my back ached because of these tiny plane seats. Being tall surely had its downsides.

With a sigh, I put on the same outfit as the day before, except wearing a shirt, since it looked marvellous outside.

That was not usual for London, George explained while leaving the apartment, if the weather was a person, he would describe it as moody.

“So, do you remember the one time we joked about eating sushi when we’d finally meet up? Well, I thought about doing the exact thing before Nick arrives tomorrow.”, the short guy explained, his mood as good as the weather.

“Sushi huh? No bad idea indeed, lead the way, Brit” I replied trying to keep the easy attitude that was just part of “Dream”.

“Oh, and another question: how should I call you? Dream or Clay?”

“Go with whatever you’re comfortable with” I answered slightly caught off-guard, feeling my façade slowly slipping. Whenever one of my online friends call me “Clay” it always reminds me of how everything I do on the Internet is kind of fake and how I am so different in real life.

Arriving at the restaurant, we seated and I admired the beauty of the place. After a couple of minutes, an Asian woman gave us the menu and after a while, took our orders. She seemed to be acquaintanced with George, since they exchanged some words before she left again.

We then ate our sushi and talked about literally anything that came to our minds. I quickly realized how easy it was to hold a conversation with George. In this regard there really was no difference between talking in real life or through TeamSpeak.

Walking back to the apartment after we finished the delicious meal, we passed by some shops and I realized that I still needed a present for Georges approaching birthday.

I got pulled out of my thoughts though, when George asked if I’d be interested in going to the “Thorpe Park” in the next day or so, since they recently renovated it and he wanted to go there with Nick and me before his birthday.

Rule 7.

No, was my first thought.

Yes, was my second. How could I explain that I didn’t want to go there? That I basically was traumatised by action parks and the name definitely sounded like one. I panicked a little, knowing that George was waiting for an answer and I probably looked like I just got hit by a car.

“Yes of course”, I blurted out. Why? Honestly, no idea. I guess just wanted to give George everything he wanted to make and see him happy. And I just couldn’t ignore the excitement sparkling in his eyes while he asked me. I wanted him to have a better life than me, I wanted him to experience the things I couldn’t and I didn’t want to see his disappointment because I said “no”.

And I wanted to change, remember? What could go wrong anyways? George knows I am afraid of heights, so I wouldn’t have to ride any rollercoasters or other stupid things that could remind me of my mother.

God, it is so pathetic how that woman managed to limit my life and make me feel how I’m feeling. By the time I managed to exit my “mind palace”, George was already talking all excited about the different activities we would be able do there.

Yes, we would, I smiled.

I swallowed, my smile fading a little.

Would we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to plan out the rest of the chapters and this story is going to be 13 chapters plus 2 extra ones long! If I manage to keep up with my posting schedule, this book will be completed on September 2nd. Yes, that's a while, but I don't think I have the time to upload more often, I hope you understand that :)


	5. Chapter 5

The next day was rather uneventful, George and I started off by picking up Nick from the airport early in the morning. His reaction to my face and looks were similar to the one from George, he even said I was handsome. Surely, they both just said that because they are generally nice people.

After that we decided to eat some breakfast in a fancy café because the youngest boy kept complaining how hungry he was and George admitted he didn’t have anything other than waffles at home.

We talked quite a bit about Nick's flight, which seemed to have been better than mine, probably because he isn’t as tall as me. To my surprise, the conversations I conducted with George were just as easy with the new addition, if not even better and funnier since “Sapnap’s” humour was definitely something.

After some pretty tasty omelettes and a refreshing coffee, we went back “home”, to George’s apartment, since Nick still suffered from jet lag and I too wasn’t acclimatised to the new day-night cycle.

In the end we decided to watch a movie on Netflix and agreed to maybe play some Minecraft later. Choosing a movie took longer than expected though, in this regard we all had different opinions: George wanted to watch something funny, Nick preferred a crime movie and I stubbornly wanted to watch action.

So, what do you do in that case? Right, organize something everyone loves. And the one thing all of us truly and equally adore is: Minecraft.

George played on his PC and Nick and I sat next to another on the bed and played on our laptops, it wasn’t the most comfortable position, but for sure enough to have lots of fun.

Not even 10 minutes in, George was screeching his lungs out and I uncontrollable wheezed while Sapnap just shook his head annoyed but highly amused.

The fun quickly died though, after the power randomly shut off, leading to Georges computer dying too and with that the server as well. Seconds after, we recognized the problem: a thunderstorm was right above London and didn’t seem to want us having fun.

George joined us on the bed and we sat there in a circle, contemplating about live and what not. Yes, I am repeating myself, but I was still amazed about how we managed to jump from topic to topic with ease, no awkward pauses or anything in between. It was something I already loved about our late night calls, and was very scared would not be the same in real life. Well, luckily, I was wrong and the dynamics in our group were just right.

On that day, I was surprised how early into my stay, I first felt normal, like a different, happy person and like I didn’t have to care about a thing in the world. Everything was at its place, I enjoyed every second and didn’t spend my time distracting my thoughts from overtaking my mind. 

Cat joined us in our little circle and purred happily. She stretched her fluffy legs, let out, what I’d describe as a yawn, and curled into George’s soft bedsheets. Out of instinct, I started petting and earned another yawn from her. She seemed to enjoy herself just as much as I did in this moment.

\-------------------

After a while the night slowly creeped its way into the flat and before we realized, we had already finished our ordered pizzas, it was right before midnight and we decided to head to bed.

Laying there in bed, I was wide awake again. Jet lag, probably. Out of boredom I decided to scroll through my twitter timeline. I looked at some fanart, some of it actually being pretty accurate, liked several tweets and commented under a short video Ponk tweeted.

One tweet particularly caught my attention though.

_~ Mary_ _~ @marywastkn_

_Wow I just realized, what if @dreamwastaken is actually some really weird guy and that’s why he never does a face reveal? Lol @dreamwastaken @dreamwastaken2 don’t be shy, give us sum proof u are actually cool xD_

_Comments 17 Retweets 9 <3 28 Share_

Suddenly the room felt empty, lonely, no voices could be heard, the only sound being the bumping of my heart. I tried focusing on breathing slowly, but my panic just increased until I bolted upright, panting, and wondering how the hell my mood managed to change THAT quickly. Minutes ago, I thought I felt peace but now all I could think about was how the tweet was exactly right. I wasn’t normal and I would never be.

Was it obvious? Did I leak my real persona in some video or a tweet?

Yes, I am a weird guy. Nobody would want to be friends with me. Me, the guy with a mental health as bad as the wandering traders are. If people knew the real me, they would pity me, that’s about it.

If “Mary”, some random person on twitter, realized it, did my friends also already notice? I really thought I played my role well this day.

I was still staring at the wall, opposite to the bed. My heart was racing, I gasped for air.

No, I couldn’t let my life crumble again.

No, I had to focus more on the rules I made. Day 3 and I already had broken two:

_Rule 7: No doing any activities or scenarios that remind me of my past, including: shouting, any type of violence and theme or action parks!_

Why did I agree to go to that theme park again?

And also

_Rule 6: Don’t get attached too much, relationships can and will break eventually._

I was enjoying the time with my friends too much, not caring enough about keeping my façade up and straight.

That had to change.

The next days I swore not to break any rules anymore, slowly I drifted into that kind of sleep where you wake up every few hours.

Would I be able to manage that? Or was my life already out of control?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more or less a plot filler, expect more plot development in the next one. And thank you so much for almost 1.5k Hits and over 100 Kudos! I love each and every one of you <3


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up dripping in sweat the next morning. That wasn’t unusual, nightmares plagued my mind in my sleep often.

I sighed, collecting my thoughts and stealing a glance at my phone. No new notifications, probably because I usually got most of them from George or Nick and, well, now we could talk without having to send each other texts in beforehand.

Stretching and making my way out of the room, I walked into a very sleepy looking Nick, who mumbled a good morning and started complaining about how awful it was to sleep on George’s couch. In terms of that, I had to agree since the sofa really wasn’t very soft and for sure couldn’t be compared to a mattress.

Meanwhile, George was already in the kitchen, as I found out minutes after, cooking some scrambled eggs with bacon. It really smelled nice and I didn’t even mind the fact, that we already gad eaten eggs yesterday, because the breakfast tasted wonderful.

And, I have to admit, George looked pretty cute humming while standing in front of the stove in the kitchen. His eyes were twinkling, but you could also see how he still was a little sleepy.

Wait … - what?

Shaking my head, I turned my thoughts back to breakfast.

While eating, Nick continued ranting about the couch and to my misery, George suggested that he could also sleep in the bed in the guest room with me. He agreed very quickly and I accepted my fate of having to sleep next to him for now on. I didn’t have any problems with the bare fact, but the night was the only time I could spend without anyone judging my behaviour, so I for sure wasn’t looking forward to Nick being around me while I was sleeping.

Just last night, I swore not to break any rules anymore, and now they were getting even harder to keep up, and with that also my façade that I tried to keep up all the time so carefully.

But then again, how could I say no? With what explanation? And I really didn’t want the youngest man to develop back problems, so, whatever.

Nick suggested to go shopping that day and I agreed. I still needed a present for George’s upcoming birthday.

Not entirely, to be honest, I already got him a navy-blue smiley hoodie. It was George’s favourite colour and not available in my merch store, it was specifically fabricated for him. Blue was also the only colour he could see because of his colour-blindness, so I really wanted to give him my merch in a colour he’d perceive as I do. But I also wanted something else to give him, maybe something technical.

I mean, I’m not exactly poor, so only gifting a hoodie to my best friend didn’t really seem like an option.

\---------------------------

The mall was huge.

In awe, we walked past the different shops and I was very overwhelmed, my present ideas getting replaced by overstimulation more and more after each window.

Sapnap had explained earlier, that he also still needed a present for George, so we ended up splitting the group up.

George decided to go looking for a new pair of sneakers, as well as probably emptying the new Supreme store that had been opened recently.

Nick and I browsed through several stores and I bought a Minecraft diamond sword made out of plastic. Don’t even ask.

After almost one and a half hours, George declared through a text that he was finished and wanted to meet up again. I panicked a little, knowing that I still hadn’t found the perfect present yet.

That was, until I remembered that George always wanted to have a Nintendo Switch but had never bought one due to the fact that he always had refused to spend so much money on it.

So, you guessed it, I bought him a Switch. Is this too expensive for a regular birthday present? Probably. Did I still buy it? Yes.

I had it wrapped in wrapping paper, put everything in a bag and Nick and I made our way to the meeting point with George.

I wasn’t exactly wrong with the Supreme store, George bought quite a lot and even though I still have no idea how much money he really spent, it probably wasn’t a small amount.

We took an Uber back to George’s flat and played some Minecraft, because, you know, we just love being block men. And because it’s a whole new experience when you are all in the same room, instead of just in the Discord group chat.

However, we got bored after a while and decided to watch a movie. For real this time.

I couldn’t concentrate on the movie though. Because first of all, it wasn’t my favourite genre and not really interesting for me, secondly, my thoughts were somewhere else, because I checked and double checked every single event from that day and then compared it to my rules to make sure I actually didn’t break another one. And thirdly, because halfway through the movie I suddenly felt George’s head on my shoulder.

And oh boy, my body tensed up immediately. I should probably mention that I not only built myself a wall around my heart, but also don’t like any physical actions or affection towards me that isn’t initiated by myself.

Even though George was fully asleep, and of course no one can hear thoughts, it still felt like he could sense them and maybe find out something about myself that I didn’t want him to know.

For now, at least.

I sat there, staring at the TV, my mind blank and my body as tense as it could possibly be.

The spot where George’s head touched my shoulder felt like it emitted electricity, and I thought about shoving him away or waking him up. But I felt myself unable to move, and with every continuing moment I felt my body relaxing more into his. It actually felt kind of good.

Before I could think too much about THAT, the movie ended and I could fully relax again, because George woke up, yawned and informed us that he wanted to go to bed. Apparently, the whole situation earlier wasn’t a big deal for him.

So, in the end, that day wasn’t very dramatic and went by without any rules being broken and with my façade up and straight. Still, my overthinking wasn’t getting any better and I found myself caring about the problems all the same. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the day thoroughly.

But the air can be hot and the atmosphere can feel great, right before the heavy rain comes crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I tried to sprinkle some fluff in here and there. And thank's as always for reading and leaving kudos and comments, stay tuned how the story will continue!  
> On a side note, although George told us the real name of his cat (I'm sad it had to be under such circumstances :c ), in this story he'll still be named "Cat" :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Panic attack later in the chapter

Today was the day.

The day I would officially break rule 7.

The day I would go to a theme park the first time after the incident with my mother years ago.

I don’t think people understand traumas unless they experience them themselves, so I started the day with a little bit of anxiety and panic sitting at the bottom of my stomach.

Of course, everything would go just as planned, we would have fun and George would be happy.

And maybe I could even get over my trauma and have one problem less in my life.

The Thorpe Park is a huge action park with loads of interesting but also not-made-for-people-who-are-scared-of-heights rides, as Google told me. It looked nice and I even kind of got excited about all the different activities, the food and also about the fact that it would be the first time I’d actually spend time with George and Nick outside of George’s apartment, the airport or the shopping mall.

This morning, Nick made pancakes and George and I slept in. We got up though, after we smelled the delicious breakfast. How are both of my friends such good cooks?

I packed my backpack after the meal, gathered together all the necessary things like my phone and my wallet and off we went, in an Uber on our way to the theme park.

The ride was longer than expected, which really didn’t help with my anxiety levels because the three of us fell into a comfortable silence and I got left alone with my thoughts. They were not comfortable at all, I was recalling the last day I visited such a park and immediately felt my stress level rising.

“Dude, are you okay? You look pretty tense, are we making you uncomfortable?”

A voice snapped me out of my mind. Nick was shooting a concerned look at me, but his expression grew softer when I looked in his direction.

Well, shit.

Apparently, it wasn’t as easy to hide all my feelings, as I thought.

In the meantime, George copied Nicks’ expression and I started turning my head from left to right. (Yes, we were all sitting in the back of the Uber and I was the one in the middle, no idea why, I always thought the shortest person was supposed to sit there).

A blush crept to my cheeks and even though I tried my best, the “it’s just a little uncomfortable because I’m so tall” came out in a voice that didn’t match the response at all.

I don’t think they have problems with overthinking, because maybe then they would have noticed that something was wrong with my answer.

But they didn’t, or at least they didn’t say anything, and the ride continued.

\----------------------

We arrived after half an hour, George purchased the tickets and we entered the massive area.

To be honest, it didn’t look at all like I remembered the last action park I visited. It was extremely colourful, happy people wandering around everywhere: laughing children, excited adults and everyone had a smile on their faces.

We started slowly walking in a random direction and soon bought Fish and Chips. It was my first time eating it, and I really liked it.

So, everything started off great. George respected my boundary with the height and Nick rode one particularly high attraction alone, even though George felt bad for letting him doing that without company.

He enjoyed it though, and George and I started adapting to the vibe the park gave off and soon we were smiling too, escaping the jungle in the “Jungle Escape Room”.

Nick joined us again, we bought Pizza and ate it, the great mood not leaving us.

What could possibly go wrong in this exact moment?

It began when George wanted to ride another attraction alone, and after Nick and I started wandering around, he told me to wait where I was because he needed to go to the toilet.

So, I waited, and waited.

I don’t know how long I was standing there, but as each minute passed, I couldn’t stop noticing the parallels. My mother always told me she’d come back and pick us up. But did she?

No.

How we got back home? She came back eventually, drunk and called a taxi.

Anyways, Nick wasn’t coming.

I fought it, believe me, I really did.

I fought the darkness that clouded my mind, that obscured my thoughts and made my vision go blurry.

My breathing hitched and it felt like the air was lacking the vital oxygen.

I was spinning, walking in circles, desperately trying to catch a familiar face in the crowd.

Short extracts of past events flickered into my vision.

I sank into the nearest bench, feeling dizzy, hiding my face in my hands and still fighting what was happening. But the straining effort only made everything worse and soon I was sobbing uncontrollably, not being able to hold it back anymore.

My elbows yearned for steadiness when I put them on my knees, but all they found were my wobbly legs, shaking from the tension in my body.

My lungs ached from the fast breathing, which still didn’t seem to pump enough air into my body.

I craved closure. In this moment, all I wanted was love, someone to hold and comfort me, I didn’t want to be alone, my thoughts threatened to devour me.

I’m not religious at all, but God must have heard me, because I felt an arm on my back.

The hand provided warmth, it felt familiar and like comfort. It was almost like it emitted electricity.

Wait.

I slowly let my eyes rise up to the person that took a seat next to me.

George.

The look in his eyes was heart-breaking, but at the same time comforting and full of sympathy.

I lost myself in his eyes, not even realizing that my breathing rhythm got back to a normal pace and the darkness in my head slowly withdrew again.

George didn’t say anything and I was thankful he didn’t. I had no interest in telling him what just happened and why.

Deep inside me, I still felt the need to share my problems to gain comfort but since I regained my normal mental state, my thoughts and my conscience buried these feeling somewhere hidden.

It was almost like an enemy in my mind, an enemy that I created myself and now would hinder me from fulfilling my needs of comfort and love.

I soon realized, that Nick had arrived too, trying to comfort me with nice words and soft expressions.

My sobbing had ended, my breathing was normal again, but I felt empty, drained and tired.

Luckily, both of my friends quickly agreed on going back to George’s apartment and so our trip ended fairly early.

On the ride home, I stared blankly out of the window, three words repeating in my head.

What the hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of a sad chapter, my heart hurt writing this :(  
> Thank you for 2000+ Hits btw! Next chapter will be uploaded on Wednesday :)


	8. Chapter 8

What the hell.

What the hell is my life, why do I have to be like this? What the hell did George and Nick think now that they had seen a little glimpse of what I’m really like?

The rest of the day we didn’t talk much, I think my friends understood that recovering from that panic attack alone was the best for me, and as already said, I was glad they thought that way, since I still had no idea how to explain everything because of course they’d ask questions.

I laid in bed that night, not being able to sleep.

My overthinking was bad usually, but now, after I had totally freaked out in the theme park, it was worse than ever. What did I tell myself again? Sure, breaking that rule would of course solve all my problems. Why had I been so naïve? I hadn’t had made the rules for nothing.

So long story short, I decided to go on a little nightly walk around the neighbourhood. People always say that these walks can clear your mind and remove a bad mental state, so why not?

I quietly left the bedroom, not wanting to wake Nick up. I shouldn’t have been concerned about that though, since the younger boy is that kind of person, where a bomb could explode next to them and they still wouldn’t wake up.

I sighed, taking the soft fabric of my hoodie into my hands and pushing it slowly over my head. I didn’t realize until then that I was pretty much freezing, it looked like my bad mental state also affected the rest of my body.

Closing the door of George’s apartment and making my way down to the streets, I somehow couldn’t stop thinking about the comfort George gave me when he sat next to me on the bench that day.

And his eyes-

“Excuse me sir, please mind where you’re walking!”

I bumped into a lady, who reminded me annoyed that I wasn’t focusing on the present moment, but rather diving into my thoughts again.

So, that didn’t help my temper as well.

But walking through the peaceful city at night, that was something different. Nobody could judge me; it was too dark to see the details of my surroundings and the stars were just twinkling without caring about anything that happened thousands of miles away. The moon bathed the buildings in a shimmery glow and everything looked mysterious in a way.

It was quiet. George didn’t live near a main road so there were barely any cars to disrupt the silence. The only sound was a gentle breeze, sweeping through my dirty blonde hair.

I stopped and shuddered. The breeze wasn’t particularly warm, quite the opposite, it was cold and made me shiver, but it was as though I just didn’t care about the temperature anymore.

If someone told me that time had stopped, I would be glad to believe them, it was like air was standing still and I could wander around like that forever, without a single change.

In the end I came back from the walk feeling like my mind was cleared a little at least. And it definitely felt better than lying in bed and contemplating about life.

As a conclusion, people were right and it did help, plus, I was tired enough to fall asleep after the walk, so that’s what I did as soon as I got back to the apartment and into the bed.

\-----------------------

The next day my mood was still pretty low, I was very short tempered, closed off and quiet. Being by myself was somehow my safe place, at least that’s what my mind thought. I also felt myself being uncomfortable in the presence of my friends.

At some point, George didn’t want to deal with that anymore, so when we sat on the sofa scrolling through our phones, he started a conversation about the one topic I precisely didn’t want to talk about. Meanwhile, Nick was in George’s recording room and editing because he promised to upload soon and with his uploading schedule, he really couldn’t postpone it any further.

“I know it’s something you probably don’t want to talk about, but you’re my friend, I care about you and what happened yesterday really can’t be claimed as nothing, so I just want you to know, that you can talk with me about anything and everything and admit whatever you want and I’ll still support you.”, George said, studying my reaction carefully.

That was a pretty powerful promise. He still would support me? How could he be so sure? I think he had no idea how big my problems were. Promises can be broken so easily.

Because I stared at him blankly, debating whether I should tell him about my struggles or not, he started another sentence.

“Of course, you don’t have to talk about it, but I want to be sure that you know that I’ll be ready whenever you are.”

Completely confused and irritated by now, I simply answered with a “Thank you, but I don’t think I’m ready”.

Wrong answer, idiot. Now George knew that there was in fact going something on with me and the panic attack didn’t come from nothing. Sure, he probably assumed things about me before, but now he had a confirmation.

Because I couldn’t take away the awkwardness I created with my answer, I decided to go back to bed. I wasn’t incredibly tired, but I was fed up with everything and trying to fall asleep was the only way to shut down my thoughts, since they were in fact tiring.

The problem was, that it was mid-afternoon and I couldn’t sleep. And at some point, Nick came in, looking for me.

By then my mood was at its lowest, I was annoyed and snapped at him “Why can’t you guys just leave me alone?!”.

For sure, not my proudest moment and Nick looked pretty shocked considering that I barely ever seriously had risen my voices at them. In Minecraft maybe, but never at them personally.

He murmured a rather quite “Sorry, bro” and left me alone with my thoughts again.

I couldn’t lose my friends because of all this, too.

At some point I had to tell them.

Or the pieces could fall apart even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter shows a little bit of my own experience. I find nighttime so calming and mysterious, so I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> We're half way through the book :o  
> Stay tuned what will happen next :)


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up the next day feeling dizzy. My bad mood had been replaced with a headache and I was about to just go to sleep again and forget this day of my life, but then a realization hit me when I shot a glance at my phone.

George’s birthday.

It was today.

Fuck that headache, I thought, this birthday was the main reason I came to London in the first place and I just couldn’t make that day as miserable for him as the last one. George deserved a happy birthday, quite literally.

I stretched, noticing that I was being watched.

Cat stared at me with her big, green-yellowish eyes and meowed. Her tail was swinging and she slightly tilted her head to the side, after she had realized that I was watching her now, too.

I slowly walked over and petted her softly, she started purring and wriggled between my legs. Yes, she is a very cute cat and I really liked how she never judged me and how I didn’t have to talk to her. Still, she accepted me and enjoyed my presence.

I also noticed how Nick’s side of the bed was empty, so I figured that he’d already gotten up.

Changing into something comfortable, but more appropriate than a pyjama, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Cat followed me everywhere and didn’t stop looking at me with her beady eyes. That alone helped my mood to lighten up a little more.

I walked over to my suitcase, grabbed my three presents and made my way to the living room after a quick trip to the bathroom to style my messy hair a bit.

Before throwing the presents at George, I asked for a pill against my headache, which he gave me luckily, and I finally felt the headache fading away.

We skipped the “good morning’s” and Nick was the first one to give his birthday wishes to George. They hugged and the younger boy handed over his wrapped present. It was on the bigger side and after George unwrapped it, a box emerged. George opened it and in it was a really fancy streaming dock. It was one of these things, where you could program the buttons with shortcuts, so you could easily switch between the facecam being on and off for example.

The older boy let out a surprised sound and happily said many “thank yous”.

And then it was my turn.

I congratulated George and gave him my three boxes. Don’t know if I mentioned it, but I had them all wrapped in the mall the day I bought them. Minus the hoodie of course, I wrapped that one at home by myself.

George started off with the longest package and laughed after seeing the Minecraft sword.

“Thanks, haha, now we can finally play Minecraft manhunt in real life!” he said, the smile not leaving his face.

The next present turned out to be the hoodie. George carefully took it and quickly realized that the colour wasn’t usual and not present in my merch store. After I gave him my explanation, he simply replied with an “aww” and turned his attention to the last and biggest package.

If his face was surprised when he saw the other presents, this reaction was nothing compared to it.

He couldn’t believe what he saw, the logo of the Nintendo Switch sitting on the red box clearly. His mouth fell slightly open and he stuttered several “buts”.

I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks and I felt my thoughts pressing in on me again. Was the present too big? Was it a bad idea giving George something so expensive? Would George or even Nick feel bad now? George for getting something that pricey and Nick for not giving something George with the equal value?

I got pulled out of my thoughts because I felt two arms being wrapped around my body and a weight got thrown at me.

George hugged me.

This time without me initiating it, so technically this was a taboo, right?

But why didn’t I care then? Quite the opposite, why did I feel myself hugging him back?

The hug didn’t last long though, George pulled away looked me in the eyes and said “Thank you”.

It felt genuine like he really meant it and I didn’t want more. All these overexaggerated reactions are overrated anyway.

He admired his new possession a few more moments, before going to the kitchen and coming back with three pieces of chocolate cake on three plates.

We ate the delicious cake in silence until George spoke up, with a suggestion how the day should continue.

“So, I was thinking that we should maybe go to the club that’s right around the corner. I mean, it’s my birthday and I haven’t gone out for a while, so this seems like the perfect occasion. We don’t have to stay long of course; I just think it’s better than staying at home and watching TV the whole night.” He added a laugh to the last sentence.

There it was again, the excitement in the older boys’ eyes. And yet again, I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down. I hated social interactions, let alone nightclubs or parties. But I wanted George to have the possibility to enjoy have everything I couldn’t, so here I was again, on the verge of agreeing.

Nick was the first to do so and after he asked for my opinion, I sighed and agreed to.

Regrets stormed my mind, thousands of little voices telling me that I was wrong and this was definitely not a good idea.

Maybe I should have listened to these voices, since the mind’s intuition is hardly wrong.

But how should I have known beforehand?

I didn’t listen to them, but that one time I should have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to put more plot into this chapter, but then it would have been way too long so I guess this chapter is a little short, but whatever, I hope you still enjoy it.  
> Tysm for 3k+ Hits btw! Next chapter on Thursday :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: language and getting drunk

By the time that moon replaced the sun and everything got dark, George, Nick and I made our way to the nightclub. It really was close to George’s flat so we didn’t have to walk for long.

Even though it was not that cold, I still felt myself shivering slightly. Probably because I was slightly, no; really, worried about how this evening and night would develop.

As I already mentioned, I wasn’t really a partying kind of person, sure I already had gone to the occasional party with my friends in high school, but back then my mental health was at a significantly better state. Since I had barely any friends besides the ones I met through online games, now, the last party I attended was years ago.

But as always, I was overthinking, right?

I would just have some fun, no alcohol involved and hopefully also no interactions with other people I didn’t know.

We entered the dark area, flashing lights and the smell of alcohol irritating my eyes and my nose. People were everywhere, dancing, having fun. Couples making out were splattered across the hall and I got less comfortable every passing minute.

I didn’t even know why we were here, George always said he didn’t like to go to clubs, right? I glanced at him, my eyes straining slightly from the flashes and the dark. George wasn’t too comfortable as well. But I saw how he tried his hardest to pull himself together and soon I felt myself being pushed towards a less crowded area, right next to the bar.

Nick was the first to offer buying drinks, so he went off to the bar, buying us two Cokes and a lemonade. Yes, apparently, they don’t just sell alcohol at the club.

I mustered George again, noticing how he looked a little lost, so I got my courage up and asked if he was comfortable and okay.

Slightly taken aback, he admitted that his last time he’d been to such a club was quite some time ago and that he honestly didn’t miss it.

Right as I started asking if we should maybe go back home then, Nick appeared and handed over our drinks.

Thirty minutes passed, and we were just sitting in a corner all secluded, talking and laughing, not paying attention to the others at all. My throat started hurting, because I practically had to shout my phrases at them, the music was just too loud.

Luckily, after ten more minutes, our drinks were finally empty and Nick asked if it wasn’t a better idea to just go somewhere else, maybe somewhere calmer and quieter. He, too, had seemed to notice how both George and I weren’t that comfortable in such a busy and hectic atmosphere.

So, we made our way to the exit and soon after found ourselves sitting on a small cliff right above the edge of a river, our legs dangling in the air. We had fallen into a comfortable silence, everybody enjoying the quiet.

Nick was the first to speak up again: “Hey George, I really hope you enjoy your birthday, even though, you know, it probably didn’t go exactly as you imagined or planned”.

“A spontaneous person as I am, I really enjoyed it so far and to be honest, I’m happy we got out of this place. It was just another confirmation why I don’t like clubs. I guess I just wanted to go to one because other people do that?”, he answered, chuckling lightly.

The rather unexpected change of events really played into my cards, I relaxed and enjoyed the nightly atmosphere once again.

But apparently, it’s part of my life that everything just doesn’t work out in my favour.

The air was getting colder as the minutes passed, and soon we went back to George’s flat with the plan of maybe watching a movie or playing some Minecraft to end his birthday on a light note.

Back “home”, we settled onto playing Minecraft again, but with a little turn. It was Nick’s idea, and even though George only reluctantly agreed, he did. And I didn’t want to be a “pussy”, so well, I agreed too.

Nick triumphantly explained, trying to imitate my voice: “This video, we coded it that it’s George’s birthday and every time one of us dies in this everyone-versus-everyone-manhunt, they have to take a shot.”

What would the as-you-know-him-from-his-youtube-videos-Clay say? Right, he would totally agree, because as good of a Minecraft player, as well as how cocky he is, he wouldn’t have to worry about dying. And I’m supposed to be this guy, at least that’s what I was trying to get across.

Everyone took a seat in their gaming positions and I even was pretty lucky at the start. Even though George was screaming like a girl and I was wheezing like a tea kettle, I wasn’t the first to die, not the third and also not the fourth. Sapnap and George already had both two shots when I finally died for the first time.

I stared at my shot for what felt like an eternity. _Rule 4, rule 4, rule 4, no drinking, no alcohol, rule 4._ My head started spinning, the voices annoying me so much that I downed the glass in one gulp.

The alcohol slightly burned in my throat, the bittersweet liquor flowing down into my stomach. George, already starting to get lightheaded and giggly after the little alcohol, applauded and giggled even more.

I had the urge to throw up, get the alcohol out of my system, unbreak rule 4, regain control, but the damage was done. Just one little bit of alcohol wouldn’t get me drunk, right?

Maybe, I wasn’t concentrating on the game anymore though, my mind was wandering around everywhere but in the presence, so my second death didn’t come long after.

This time, I downed the shot even faster, desperate to shut my thoughts up. Maybe getting drunk wasn’t such a bad idea after all? At least my overthinking would stop and I didn’t have to care about anything anymore.

After my third death, I felt myself getting even more desperate to drink more alcohol, because it did help a little. My annoying thoughts were pushed back further into my head by an approaching headache, but hell, in that moment I gave everything for them to vanish out of my brain and take my concerns about everything right with them.

George was permanently flushed by now and couldn’t stop giggling and laughing at the most random things.

Nick decided to scrap the idea of playing Minecraft more, instead he tried getting both George and me to sleep.

To my misfortune, my weird thoughts came back after some point and all I could think was: I’m so fucked up, I just want my stupid thoughts to go away so I can finally feel peace.

I didn’t realize that I spoke out loud until I felt two pairs of eyes staring at me confused. Of course, that had been really random.

I quickly realized my mistake, doubled over and fled into my bedroom, muttering a “good night” as I went.

I laid there in bed, regretting the whole day and especially my poor decisions.

_I’m not going to break any more rules. That little bit of alcohol wouldn’t get me drunk._

Sure.

You could truly call me an idiot for being so naïve again.

I drifted into an uneasy sleep, my head hurting like it had been slammed against a wall.

At this rate, I would have broken all my rules by the end of this trip.

But my main problem wasn’t that, it was that I had to come up with an explanation the next day. Maybe I could just stay in bed forever and hide from my problems.

But life and reality are under no obligation to give us what we want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to put more plot into this chapter once again, but it always keeps getting so long omg! I might have to make the story a little longer and maybe add one or two more chapters. I hope you still enjoyed this, next chapter will be posted on Monday :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: language

I woke up, my head hurting like it hadn’t been in a while. Hungover, of course. I rolled over, shooting a look at the other side of the bed, which was empty.

I was about to get up when a realization hit me making me feel like a sharp blade cut through my chest for a second.

I recalled the blurry memories and events of last night.

I recalled how I blurted out something confidential while having too much alcohol in my system.

Maybe that itself wasn’t unusual and concerning at all, but my reaction to it and how I ran off after without giving an explanation certainly was.

Of course, George and Nick, being good friends and all, would ask questions about what happened and if I was okay, since my abnormal and maybe for them concerning behaviour added up.

I remained in my room for several more minutes, trying to prepare myself mentally for the upcoming conversation. Would this be the point where I told them the truth? I wasn’t sure myself, because no matter how long I debated it, I didn’t come to a conclusion.

So, after some time, I sighed, collected my thoughts and made my way to the kitchen. I was on edge and prepared to go into a battle, even though it was just a goddamn conversation with my best friends.

I entered the small kitchen and immediately a smell of freshly made pancakes reached my nose.

That didn’t distract me though and I stepped forwards until I came face to face with George, only realizing how strange my move was until he raised his eyebrows, crinkled the edges of his mouth into a smile and said a confident “good morning, how are you feeling?”.

That wasn’t the planned reaction, even though in hindsight it made total sense. Why would the first thing he’d saying the morning be his concerns about last night?

Anyways, I was slightly taken aback and quickly realized how tense my body actually was: my fists and my jaw were clenched and just in general, my whole body was tensed up.

After realizing my physical state, I tried to relax and take a step backwards, but my headache stopped me from doing so.

The sharp pain from before was now in my head again and I brought my palm to my temple, trying to soothe the ache.

Nick entered the room, saw my state and handed me a pill, as well as a glass of water. He added a smile and a “for your headache” to his gesture.

Now I was even more confused, still wanting to get the uncomfortable conversation I mentally prepared myself for behind me. I threw the pill into my mouth and chugged the whole glass of water right after.

Luckily, but also kind of not, neither George nor Nick came up with the topics to talk about half of the day and yet I was still ready and prepared to start a conversation about the previous day any second.

Accordingly, my mood wasn’t really at its peak and I spent most of my day in George’s room editing one of my videos, even though I knew I had planned enough videos for the time of my trip in beforehand.

When George entered the room midday though and sat down on his bed, shooting a soft yet concerning glance towards me, I knew it was time to face the worst.

And even though I spent my whole day trying to prepare myself mentally for this moment and to calm myself down and stop overthinking the whole situation, when George started his speech, I started to panic.

“Hey dream, I know you’re probably not in your best mood, considering that you had not the smallest amount of alcohol yesterday. And even though you took a pill, I’m pretty sure your headache is still a little present, at least these pills don’t one hundred percent work whenever I take them. Anyways, still, you haven’t talked much today and I’m not sure if you maybe want to talk about what happened yesterday night or rather why it happened. I know that there is something going on and I just want to tell you one more time that I am and always will be there to talk about it.”

Yes, I full on panicked, but also knew that if I didn’t talk about it know, both of my friends wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I’d have a harder time trying to keep my façade on, even though by now it was almost completely gone. If I wouldn’t tell them now, they’d just try to get more proof and therefore also would study me even more, making everything worse for me.

As of now, I already had broken three of my rules, but I wouldn’t dare to break the first one.

I replied, trying to sound as calm and easy-going as possible: “Thanks man, I really appreciate your concern, but it’s just the fact that my grandfather died the week before I flew to London and, well, I really miss him”.

Lie.

My grandparents died when I was very little and I hardly even knew them.

“It’s all not that big of a deal, just me mourning about a relative, it will go away eventually.”, I added.

Lie.

My real problems probably wouldn’t go away, considering how fucked up everything was.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I really didn’t know, that’s horrible! I hope that you can remember all the great things about him in your memories.”, George replied with an understanding look on his face.

We fell into an awkward silence after his reply, and I had the feeling that he as well didn’t really know how to react to such a confession.

Still, and I was astonished myself, I felt my heartbeat quicken yet again. This time in a good way though, not because of e.g. anxiety. Just the thought of George comforting me and the possibility of him accepting my real self caused this reaction. I couldn’t risk losing him though by telling the truth.

Yet.

I recalled the last time the rhythm of my heart had increased at his sight.

I wasn’t crushing on my friend, was I?

“Eh, I’m going to go back to the living room again, don’t overwork yourself with editing and join us later”, mumbled the older boy as he left the room and pulled me out of my thoughts.

There was no fucking possibility, just me losing my shit about someone actually caring about me.

Right?

Right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't upload two days ago, but I was really busy so I didn't have the time to write another chapter. I will though try to keep up with my schedule and upload on Friday again.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, we're slowly making our way to the finale, so stay tuned how the story will develop :)


	12. Chapter 12

Even though I supposedly told George the “truth” now or at least explained to him what was wrong with me, I couldn’t stop thinking about how everything I told him was a pure bitter lie. I felt so miserable for not being able to tell my best friend the truth. I was embarrassed because of the realization that in this already so messy disaster I somehow managed to fall for said best friend? All these factors only added to my already existing confusion and I felt myself slipping more and more into the problem of not being able to leave “my mask” or my façade on.

I still tried of course; I wasn’t completely insane after all. Every time my mood changed or I fell into a bad mental state, I tried scrambling my thoughts together, desperately trying to catch the pieces, almost forcing them to stick back together. I put on so many fake smiles trying to somehow keep up my fake persona, even though by now it was probably as good as gone.

And even worse, I just couldn’t stop making the conversations with George awkward. Whenever I tried to insert funny pickup lines into our talks to loosen everything up a bit, the words got stuck in my throat and I stood there like a loser staring at my opponent.

At night I laid wide awake, trying to figure out how I managed to crush on my friend. Everything was so blurry; I could not put my finger on an exact date or even a month when it started. Hell, I didn’t even realize it until just a few days ago! For me it still seemed so impossible and I was debating the possibility all the time. I always thought that I was straight? That I only liked girls, and was only going to have girlfriends. And why had the signs come so suddenly? Why didn’t they approached way earlier, when George and I were still joking about how our fans shipped us, when we read fanfictions, teased and flirted jokingly, without me caring about it? Did meeting a friend really make that big of a difference?

Whenever I fell asleep though, really frustrated because I was even more confused, a wave of regret washed over me. I mean I knew right from the start that the trip was a bad idea and these stupid rules, don’t even get me started. I regretted every single decision I made, every reaction I showed my friends, and especially every lie I told. “You can’t change the past but the future”? My hope to change anything at all was as good as gone.

My mood changed from being annoyed to sad to angry and that almost every second too, which made me be even more confused.

And the last weeks didn’t really fly by super-fast, as you’d usually expect.

Sure, I enjoyed the time I spent with my friends, after all that’s still what they were. And again, the few happy moments I experienced during the rest of the time, were because of them. Whenever we played Minecraft for instance, it was easy to slip back into my old behaviour, and I almost felt like I did before this whole mess the trip caused.

I still wasn’t sure if they were onto me though and suspected anything. Of course, I told George the lie – and Nick the next day as well – but was it really that convincing? Despite everything that happened, I just couldn’t face the possibility or risk of losing them. I just wanted to get out of London, which was way too rainy and cold anyways, go back to Florida and continue like nothing happened.

Anyways, we did a few trips to Central London, doing some sightseeing, shopping and just walking around, since Nick declared he really couldn’t leave Great Britain without having been to the Tower of London once or other famous places like the Westminster Abbey. It took a lot of convincing of George since he preferred staying at home, but in the end, he agreed and I suppose he didn’t regret the decision.

Also, I continued with my nightly walks, they more or less became a habit of mine. I enjoyed the alone time, even though that totally broke rule no. 5. But that was the only time I didn’t have to force a façade on myself and no one would or could judge me. After some time, both of my friends asked if they could accompany me but I politely declined for the said reasons and luckily, they left it at that, not bothering to ask any further questions.

Questions. Something I came to hate during the last weeks of my stay. I had millions of questions I longed for going away and at the same time I prayed that my friends wouldn’t ask any.

Yet I wanted answers, I wanted my confusion to go away, I wanted to tell my friends the truth, get rid of my burden and face the worst. But I still wasn’t ready and felt that if I’d even try to start a sentence, I would just fail and be a complete idiot again.

The end of my time in London came closer and closer and I recalled how everything had begun:

At the beginning I was a guy with a confident, cocky attitude and an extremely high IQ, according to the compilations on the Internet at least, who just so appeared to have mental problems, overthink too much in reality and hide all that from everyone. Just a guy with two personalities. Simple, right?

And how did everything turn into such a mess after this short span of time when I managed to keep everything in place for more than a year?

Two days away from my flight back to my sunny home, I was sitting in front of the TV asking myself exactly these questions once again.

My heart beating fast, because I was sitting way too close to George.

My mind spinning from too much thinking.

My gut feeling horrible from the guilt I had built up for not telling my friends the truth.

My breathing slightly too fast, because of an overload of emotions and thoughts.

My jaw clenched, because that’s just not how I could end this whole trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I really tried to go more into detail about Clay's overthinking, how he's feeling and how confusing everything is from his perspective. As always, I hope you like it and I can't thank all of you enough for the comments, kudos and just for reading :)  
> Hopefully until Tuesday!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me, finally uploading a new chapter after almost two weeks because I rewrote it two times since I didn't like the outcome. Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to wait for so long, but I'm pretty happy with the result now so I hope you enjoy it as well! :)

I woke up the next day to an uneasy feeling, one that I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

I mean, of course I was feeling uneasy most of the time, considering all my circumstances, but this was different. I couldn’t really point my finger at the cause of it, all I knew was that it was there and I wanted to do something about it.

Annoyed, I got up, practically slouching into the bathroom and trying to get myself to look somewhat decent, it was the last day of my time with George and Nick after all.

My first solution to the feeling was to simply ignore it until it would go away. After everything though, I should have known beforehand that this was not the way my brain dealt with information.

And just as I thought, I couldn’t stop thinking about the foreign feeling and felt myself jumping from one possible cause to another the whole day.

By lunch I was already so fed up again, I just wanted my thoughts to stop and them to leave me the hell alone, so I could enjoy the goddamn last day with my friends next to me in person.

George had decided that it’d be the best to just stay at home that day, so I could pack my belongings and prepare for the flight, because the plane was supposed to take off in less than twelve hours.

Nick didn’t have to pack yet, his flight back home wasn’t for another two days, since he took the cheapest one.

After lunch, I packed my suitcase and got everything ready to leave. I glanced at the clock and almost jumped as I realized how the amount of time I could still spend with the younger and the older boy, was getting smaller and smaller, every time the numbers on the display changed.

What would I do after I’d be back in Florida again?

Just continue with everything like I did before?

I was aching to say yes, to just push all the problems aside, but my immediate response was no.

I recalled the times my friends helped me through crises without knowing it.

I recalled the times when especially George showed comfort, and how much I had enjoyed it.

What if I just told them the truth?

Wouldn’t I get more comfort then? They could maybe actually help me, because they then knew what actually was going on.

No.

I would simply lose them, scare them off and make them stop talking to me.

But wasn’t there still a chance?

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

I was fighting an internal battle, debating whether the risk should be worth it.

I groaned annoyed; my body was tense of just thinking about telling them.

Maybe if George didn’t come into the living room, maybe if he didn’t have that heavenly soft smile on his lips, maybe if his eyes didn’t look so comforting, maybe then I wouldn’t have done what I did.

„I lied to you “, four simple words, completely without context and utterly random, but everything I could say there and then.

The other boy looked taken aback, of course, no one else would have a different first reaction to that statement.

„What do you mean? “

His response asked for more, for more information I didn’t want to give. But at the same time, I wanted to tell the truth.

Figuring that the damage was already done I started elaborating.

“Well, first of all my grandparents have been dead for a very long time, that… uh… was a lie”

“Oh-”

By now, George had taken a seat right next to me on the sofa, his eyes filled with curiosity and confusion.

I talked like I was walking on a frozen sea, careful with my steps as to not break the ice and fall into the bitter cold water.

“A-and I’ve been struggling with mental health issues, especially overthinking and panic attacks for quite some time now, but since I started with YouTube, I didn’t want to display myself there as a broken guy, so I made up a fake personality I figured everyone would like. I was trying to be a perfect person, and well, apparently millions of people liked that so I didn’t mind keeping that façade on forever.”

Just slowly, I managed to open up and to get the words out of my mouth. I was afraid my vocal cords would simply not let me.

“And yes, I-I also always kept it on while talking to you, I was just so happy that I made new friends and was so fucking afraid to lose you all when telling the truth. B-but both of you seemed so understanding and my thoughts and all that pressure is killing me, so here I am.”

I was holding my breath, preparing for the worst. Preparing to be thrown out right here and then.

But to my amazement, nothing bad happened.

After my long speech, which didn’t include every event and detail since I was still testing the waters, I felt much lighter.

Not to be taken literally, but like how a burden just got taken off of my shoulder I didn’t realize I was carrying.

And my uneasy feeling was slowly drifting away and instead was replaced by pure relief.

Right before I could start overthinking George’s reaction though, he gave me all sorts of comforting words and right there and then I was so glad I told him, you can’t even imagine.

All the time, all the weeks and months I had spent hiding everything from everyone, especially my friends, every time I had questioned if it wouldn’t be better to just tell them the truth but then immediately scrapped that idea again because I was thinking about every possible negative outcome. All of that was gone now, and that just by me taking the first step and accepting the risk, the possibility of my friends actually being understanding.

There was still something else I longed to tell him. I knew I had some kind of crush on him, or at least liked him more than just as friends.

But I also knew that I couldn’t reveal it to him.

My heart broke just a little bit, as I realized that I also probably wouldn’t be open enough to tell him in the near future. I had just gotten something good, something that gave me hope for the future and I didn’t want everything to break again and fall apart because of my stupid feelings, that had a not-so-low chance of being unrequited.

So yes,

It’s Clay,

Or Dream as you know from YouTube,

I’m pretty sure you identify me as a guy who plays Minecraft with his friends and captivates people with his cocky yet very funny personality. At least that’s what about 8.7 million human beings thought when they subscribed to my channel.

But what nobody knows is that I broke all the seven rules I had set myself for a trip to George’s, don’t regret it a single bit and even though my heart hurts because I can’t tell my friend that I developed a crush on him during this trip, I finally, and I say this without lying, am feeling at peace.

So yeah, that’s pretty much me.

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter ->


	14. Explanation

Before you all start being sad about Dream’s unrequited feelings towards George, I’d like to refer to the tags of this story. See the little “Book 1” there? That’s right, there will be a second book.

In my opinion, there are not enough stories about the bromance between George and Dream without any non-platonic feelings involved. That’s exactly why I made this whole series a little bit interactive and you can decide individually whether you want Dream and George to end up in a relationship or as friends.

Now, if you prefer the ladder, I’ll upload another chapter to this story with the final ending to that storyline.

If you prefer to have non-platonic feelings involved, don’t read the next chapter, because I will upload a whole second book for that storyline! It will carry on after chapter 13 and will not involve chapter 14.

For the second book I won’t spoil too much, all I can say is that there will be a lot of established relationship and that it’ll be written out of George’s perspective!

So, it’s your decision now, go with whatever you prefer :)

I will not immediately start writing the second book because I am very busy right now, but don’t worry, I will start with it eventually.

If you want to know more about everything or simply want to contact me you can do so on my Twitter.

Twitter: @cut3stnightmare


	15. Chapter 15

The flight back to Florida was just as uncomfortable as the first one, but with one small difference: I wasn’t panicking and the only place my thoughts kept wandering off to was the parting from my friends at the airport.

“Have a safe flight, dream”, were the last words that escaped George’s lips before he had pulled me into a tight hug.

Maybe he wasn’t the person to express feelings openly and show love through words, but he certainly had a way of showing his caring nonetheless.

I hugged back just as tight, wanting to spend infinite more time with him, knowing that I wouldn’t have to hide my real self anymore. Knowing that I finally could focus my energy and thoughts on enjoying the time with my amazing friends thoroughly.

And even though Nick hugged me just as tight as the older boy had, I still had to tell him about everything. No matter how much confidence and reassurance I had gained, I wasn’t really looking forward to it. But being as good of a best friend as he was, he had every right to know the truth.

I frowned slightly; my eyes staring at the clouds the plane was flying through, as I realized that the conversation and therefore also the issue wasn’t yet to be over. But I didn’t want to ruin my good mood so I quickly pulled out my phone, reading the last text from George I had received before the plane had risen into the air.

_Georgie: And don’t forget, I’m there for you no matter what, we’ll find a solution to everything together :)_

My frown turned into a smile and a sigh at the same time. I let my head fall back onto the headrest of my seat and closed my eyes for a second.

I had finally told somebody. Not just anyone, I had told my friend, one of the people I was most afraid of telling the truth to.

All of that was still so unbelievable, like a good dream that would disappear as soon as I’d wake up.

I opened my eyes and let out a chuckle, letting the fact sink in that everything that had happened was in fact real and not just a fantasy.

A smile still plastered on my lips, I relaxed even more and snuggled into a somewhat good sleeping position – considering how crammed up in my seat I was, it wasn’t really comfortable.

* * *

“Thanks for all the donos and of course the subs, I’ll probably stream again soon- love you all, bye!”

Hearing the familiar sound of my computer, I ended my stream, got up and stretched, Patches meowing at me from the other side of the room.

I plopped back into my chair, and just let happiness and relief wash over me.

This had been the first stream since my trip to George’s and also since my confession. Well to be very honest, in the end it wasn’t just one confession, but three.

One to George of course, one to Nick, and one to my therapist.

The whole therapist thing had been an idea of Nick’s and even though I was strictly against it at the beginning, the idea kind of warmed up to me and in the end, I found myself in that therapy chair, slowly talking about my experiences.

And it did help – Sapnap hadn’t been wrong about that.

This and of course the support of my best friends was the main reason I had made it this far and can now finally live my life with less worries, with being less of that sad person and with actively controlling my online persona without tearing myself apart in the process.

Now I was able to stream in a more relaxed way, not having all that pressure on made me realize how many expectations I had been putting on myself all the time.

I reached 10 million subscribers on YouTube and noticed that there was actually no need to show my face – or actually in general too much personal information - in order to gain popularity.

“God, everything is too perfect to be true”, I huffed, saying the words to myself.

Not quite, because of course there was still the whole situation about George – and me and everything in between.

“You have to prioritize your mental health right now”, was something he had said after I told him I’d stream again. And he most surely didn’t mean it in that way, but I realized that I wasn’t ready for a relationship just yet and especially not with the risk of losing my best friend in the process.

So, I ignored it.

And eventually, I got used to the tingly feeling whenever he laughed or smiled, I came to see this rather as another reason why I should be happy.

And by the time George visited me in Florida, the feeling was gone and replaced by pure euphoria and thankfulness.

Not just for him, but also for myself.

It didn’t matter how long it took, in the end I was brave enough to talk about my feelings and open up instead of burying everything somewhere inside of me.

That was something I was proud of and something I’d carry with me for the rest of my life.

Patches jumped up onto my lap, and meowed once again, her beady eyes looking right into mine. She purred as I started stroking my hand over the soft fur and I couldn’t help but smile as she curled up in my lap and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, but here it is, the final chapter of this book! I'll start with the second book real soon, don't worry. But for now, thanks so much to everyone who commented, left Kudos or just read my story! All your kind words mean the world to me and I hope you enjoyed all the chapters - it has been a rollercoaster, I know, but I really tried writing the ending as positive as possible :)  
> Cya in another book or story, much love to all of you, bye!


End file.
